I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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