If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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