i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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