If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
