at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
