The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
