Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Terrible idea I love it
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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