I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
