Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Pooping to opera.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
