I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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