Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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