i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
