this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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