guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
