It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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