I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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