JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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