dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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