Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
