If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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