i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
