i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
