based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
