So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
