I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
