I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my shit smells like andre
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
