I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
