It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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