so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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