It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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