you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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