Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
