Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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