My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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