Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
