Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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