I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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