i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
