Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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