so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
