So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
