It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
