Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i now understand why vodka
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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