I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
