I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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