He disabled his match.com account in front of me
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
