Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
