For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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