Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
