I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
