I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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