just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
