I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
