Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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